Fork in the Road

She took a path. Not by choice.
She was gone from my sight, too far down the road.
Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of her.
Is she coming back; Is that her?
Then she would walk away again, even farther.
I have faith that she'll be back, that she wants to come back.
I sit and wait, biding my time,
Talking to her, as if she were still here.
I wonder if, when she does come back, will she remember?
How much I love her?
Enough to not go down that path again?
Enough to just stay here, with me?

Comfort

Awake. Alone in the middle of the night.
Too much pain. Near-screaming conditions.
Needing comfort. Here comes the cat.
Usually he's a pest. Tonight I'll take his comfort.
He curls upagainst me. Hugs me.
I'm not alone. I have the cat.
He has me. Still in pain.
But I can take it. Softness envelops me.

Let me let go

I've been accused of always having to have it "my way". I don't think that's true at all. I think I try to be logical about things and try to go with what seems to be the reasonable choice. However, the "reasonable choice" isn't always what everyone else may want or need.

She wants to move out of the state. She wants to go a year and a half before me and get everything settled so that I can stay behind and let the kid finish school and grow up around his family and friends and whatnot. I asked for a compromise for her to wait a year or two, but she says that she can't do it. I have to respect that. What else can I do?It hasn't sunk in quite yet. I was almost in tears telling her that it would have to be okay and trying to figure out in my head how I was going to survive this without her. I'm still not grasping it. Knowing me, I'll grasp it 30 seconds after she leaves.

We have time; She's not leaving for quite some time yet...maybe 6 months. I just don't want to have to go through the agony of planning for her to leave. It's like helping someone plan their funeral while they're still alive. I don't know how else to explain it or anything else to compare it to.The irony is that it feels like I'm the one who's dying. I have to act like I'm pretty okay with all of this. Otherwise, it will stress her out even more. I can do this. I'll develop a mantra to get through it.

It's like trying to visualize Mount Everest when you've never been there. It's just a concept I can't even grasp.

Wha? Huh? Where am I?

What do you do when your partner says to you after 6 1/2 years, "We need a split?" "It's just a suggestion...do you have a better one?"
You do nothing but sit there, stunned in silence. I have spent the better part of the last year and a half, trying to prove myself, working hard at bettering this relationship; I thought we both were. I know she wants to move out of Erie, but I wanted a compromise of waiting just two years. I guess that's not a compromise. Because I want to wait til my son is done with school and is out on his own, that's a bad thing to her. She says she'll go and get a job and set up house and I can meet up with her in a year and a half. Wha?!?! Am I being unreasonable here? Before this, she kept saying that we should split, even offered to "set me up" in an apartment. So now I feel like she's saying that this is the plan then once she's out of the picture, she's going to say, "Sorry, we should just end it."
She says that it's because of this crap my Son just pulled, but if you wanted me to originally move with you, he would have to go, too, right? I'm trying to look at this from all angles and be rational, but like most things with me, it's going to take some time. I'm stuck at some crazy crossroads about what to do. I don't know where to go from here. Hell, I don't even know where "HERE" is anymore. It's a downward spiral of insanity.
It's also strange that now that things have "quieted down" with my Son, she's having a bigger problem with all of it. The irony is that he wanted to know how late she was going to be out tonight because he wanted the company...HER COMPANY! And she doesn't want to be anywhere around him. He's a leper to her. He made a mistake, a BIG mistake, a doozy! I'll give you that. But, I think he is getting the picture that he's not going to get what he wants every time he throws a tantrum. Maybe. I know it'll take some time to retrain him, but he's not doing too bad. It's not every single day...not even close.
How come when I think things are getting better...they're actually getting worse. Where the hell am I and what am I doing here? Please!!!

IRONY

I've tried with her, but it seems that I'll never make her happy. No matter what I do for him, he'll never be happy as long as I'm with her. So he says. She blames me, he blames me. I just want to be invisible so bad.

They talked. I thought it was a good talk, but in the end, it didn't matter. It never does. We have spent 6 1/2 years trying to "fix" things. Why should we have to? Why does something always have to be fixed? Why when things are going okay, why does there have to be some melodrama? Is it a balance thing? Is "things going well" too uncomfortable?

Sometimes I think she is too much like her Dad. Nobody could ever do right by him either. It didn't matter how hard they tried, it was never good enough. The irony is that he adopted her; they're not biologically related. And the cycle continues on.

The "throwing it in your face" continues. The "bringing up the past". I don't want to hurt her; I just want to do what's right, but what may be right may not be pleasant for any of us.

I think she sees the money as a way out for her so that she can leave and be a little less angry about it. I don't know. It's weird that just a few weeks ago, she was so concerned about me leaving, but it wasn't what I wanted. Maybe now, more than ever, she wishes that I did want to leave. More IRONY.

Weird. I think of all of them, I make her son happy. I leave him be, like I think he wants. I try not to hassle him, even when she thinks I should. I think he's okay with that. I don't think he has the greatest amount of respect for me, but I still think we're okay. I think. Ironic.