Noun
Singular: perception
Plural: perceptions
perception (plural perceptions)
1. Conscious understanding of something.
2. Vision (ability)
3. Acuity
4. (cognition) That which is detected by the five senses; not necessarily understood (imagine looking through fog, trying to understand if you see a small dog or a cat); also that which is detected within consciousness as a thought, intuition, deduction, etc.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Where were you?
I say to all of her friends who still get to be her friend and a part of her life..."where were you?"
Where were they when the ENTIRE day was spent crafting an 8-page statement to the EEOC while dealing with the emotional ramifications that went along with it for her. Where the fuck were they?!
Where were they when she was so down about everything and had a 45-year birthday coming? I stayed up and planned and had this wonderful surprise for her to lift her spirits and celebrate the woman I was spending the rest of my life with and where the FUCK were they?
What was it all for? I get the shaft...for what?! For standing by and supporting and trying to be there for her? For leaving her alone when she wanted it? For letting her vent when she needed it? For not having any resentment about what she was saying because she was going through some crazy shit? And where the fuck were they?!
Damn! Talk about getting the short end of the stick. I did what I thought was right and get nothing for it. The life I had is over. The family I thought I had is gone. Why? Where did I go wrong?
I guess I should have done what her friends did...worry about my own shit. Worked for them.
Where were they when the ENTIRE day was spent crafting an 8-page statement to the EEOC while dealing with the emotional ramifications that went along with it for her. Where the fuck were they?!
Where were they when she was so down about everything and had a 45-year birthday coming? I stayed up and planned and had this wonderful surprise for her to lift her spirits and celebrate the woman I was spending the rest of my life with and where the FUCK were they?
What was it all for? I get the shaft...for what?! For standing by and supporting and trying to be there for her? For leaving her alone when she wanted it? For letting her vent when she needed it? For not having any resentment about what she was saying because she was going through some crazy shit? And where the fuck were they?!
Damn! Talk about getting the short end of the stick. I did what I thought was right and get nothing for it. The life I had is over. The family I thought I had is gone. Why? Where did I go wrong?
I guess I should have done what her friends did...worry about my own shit. Worked for them.
Thanks
...for the memories.
Things have been a little hairy for a few months, maybe even four. I know personally how hard it is to deal with a job loss when it isn't your doing and wasn't your fault. She was lucky enough to be able to do something about it. I wasn't and I sure wish I knew enough at that time to have done something. She should be grateful for that.
I stood by while she went through it. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do, but I guess it wasn't enough. The thanks I get for being here and being supportive is...she's leaving. I'm not welcome to join her.
First she said she wanted to move out of state. We talked about this before, but plans had changed in the meantime. I think she asked because she knew I wouldn't go for a couple of years. Then the plan was that she would go and a couple of years later, I would join her. I think she was betting on me shooting it down, but I didn't. I didn't want her to leave in the first place, but I sure as hell wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to join her. Well, like I said, I think she wasn't banking on that, so now she is saying we should just split now because she thinks I won't come in 2 years. What the hell?!?!?!?! Where is this coming from? Like I said, she doesn't want me there and this is her way of turning it around to make it look like it's me.
Here's the best part. I knew in my gut what was coming. I knew! I tried confronting her and she wasn't denying it, but not confirming it either. But I knew. I've been down this road before and the signs were unmistakable. What a fool I was. I fell for it; I thought she would tell me. I kept on like we were together, but in her head we weren't. What an ass I made of myself! God! I feel so foolish! I had just sent her a "special story" yesterday morning because my head was telling my gut that I was wrong, but I knew! Wow! What did I do? How do I not get a say in this?
I think she's secretly enjoying the torture. Why else would you do that to someone? Why?!?!?! I don't know what to do. This is insanity in the worst form. I've done this before and I don't want to do it again and I have no choice in the matter.
Why does everyone leave?
Things have been a little hairy for a few months, maybe even four. I know personally how hard it is to deal with a job loss when it isn't your doing and wasn't your fault. She was lucky enough to be able to do something about it. I wasn't and I sure wish I knew enough at that time to have done something. She should be grateful for that.
I stood by while she went through it. I thought I was doing what I was supposed to do, but I guess it wasn't enough. The thanks I get for being here and being supportive is...she's leaving. I'm not welcome to join her.
First she said she wanted to move out of state. We talked about this before, but plans had changed in the meantime. I think she asked because she knew I wouldn't go for a couple of years. Then the plan was that she would go and a couple of years later, I would join her. I think she was betting on me shooting it down, but I didn't. I didn't want her to leave in the first place, but I sure as hell wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to join her. Well, like I said, I think she wasn't banking on that, so now she is saying we should just split now because she thinks I won't come in 2 years. What the hell?!?!?!?! Where is this coming from? Like I said, she doesn't want me there and this is her way of turning it around to make it look like it's me.
Here's the best part. I knew in my gut what was coming. I knew! I tried confronting her and she wasn't denying it, but not confirming it either. But I knew. I've been down this road before and the signs were unmistakable. What a fool I was. I fell for it; I thought she would tell me. I kept on like we were together, but in her head we weren't. What an ass I made of myself! God! I feel so foolish! I had just sent her a "special story" yesterday morning because my head was telling my gut that I was wrong, but I knew! Wow! What did I do? How do I not get a say in this?
I think she's secretly enjoying the torture. Why else would you do that to someone? Why?!?!?! I don't know what to do. This is insanity in the worst form. I've done this before and I don't want to do it again and I have no choice in the matter.
Why does everyone leave?
Friday, September 28, 2007
Fork in the Road
She took a path. Not by choice.
She was gone from my sight, too far down the road.
Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of her.
Is she coming back; Is that her?
Then she would walk away again, even farther.
I have faith that she'll be back, that she wants to come back.
I sit and wait, biding my time,
Talking to her, as if she were still here.
I wonder if, when she does come back, will she remember?
How much I love her?
Enough to not go down that path again?
Enough to just stay here, with me?
She was gone from my sight, too far down the road.
Occasionally, I would catch a glimpse of her.
Is she coming back; Is that her?
Then she would walk away again, even farther.
I have faith that she'll be back, that she wants to come back.
I sit and wait, biding my time,
Talking to her, as if she were still here.
I wonder if, when she does come back, will she remember?
How much I love her?
Enough to not go down that path again?
Enough to just stay here, with me?
Monday, September 24, 2007
Comfort
Awake. Alone in the middle of the night.
Too much pain. Near-screaming conditions.
Needing comfort. Here comes the cat.
Usually he's a pest. Tonight I'll take his comfort.
He curls upagainst me. Hugs me.
I'm not alone. I have the cat.
He has me. Still in pain.
But I can take it. Softness envelops me.
Too much pain. Near-screaming conditions.
Needing comfort. Here comes the cat.
Usually he's a pest. Tonight I'll take his comfort.
He curls upagainst me. Hugs me.
I'm not alone. I have the cat.
He has me. Still in pain.
But I can take it. Softness envelops me.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Let me let go
I've been accused of always having to have it "my way". I don't think that's true at all. I think I try to be logical about things and try to go with what seems to be the reasonable choice. However, the "reasonable choice" isn't always what everyone else may want or need.
She wants to move out of the state. She wants to go a year and a half before me and get everything settled so that I can stay behind and let the kid finish school and grow up around his family and friends and whatnot. I asked for a compromise for her to wait a year or two, but she says that she can't do it. I have to respect that. What else can I do?It hasn't sunk in quite yet. I was almost in tears telling her that it would have to be okay and trying to figure out in my head how I was going to survive this without her. I'm still not grasping it. Knowing me, I'll grasp it 30 seconds after she leaves.
We have time; She's not leaving for quite some time yet...maybe 6 months. I just don't want to have to go through the agony of planning for her to leave. It's like helping someone plan their funeral while they're still alive. I don't know how else to explain it or anything else to compare it to.The irony is that it feels like I'm the one who's dying. I have to act like I'm pretty okay with all of this. Otherwise, it will stress her out even more. I can do this. I'll develop a mantra to get through it.
It's like trying to visualize Mount Everest when you've never been there. It's just a concept I can't even grasp.
She wants to move out of the state. She wants to go a year and a half before me and get everything settled so that I can stay behind and let the kid finish school and grow up around his family and friends and whatnot. I asked for a compromise for her to wait a year or two, but she says that she can't do it. I have to respect that. What else can I do?It hasn't sunk in quite yet. I was almost in tears telling her that it would have to be okay and trying to figure out in my head how I was going to survive this without her. I'm still not grasping it. Knowing me, I'll grasp it 30 seconds after she leaves.
We have time; She's not leaving for quite some time yet...maybe 6 months. I just don't want to have to go through the agony of planning for her to leave. It's like helping someone plan their funeral while they're still alive. I don't know how else to explain it or anything else to compare it to.The irony is that it feels like I'm the one who's dying. I have to act like I'm pretty okay with all of this. Otherwise, it will stress her out even more. I can do this. I'll develop a mantra to get through it.
It's like trying to visualize Mount Everest when you've never been there. It's just a concept I can't even grasp.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
Wha? Huh? Where am I?
What do you do when your partner says to you after 6 1/2 years, "We need a split?" "It's just a suggestion...do you have a better one?"
You do nothing but sit there, stunned in silence. I have spent the better part of the last year and a half, trying to prove myself, working hard at bettering this relationship; I thought we both were. I know she wants to move out of Erie, but I wanted a compromise of waiting just two years. I guess that's not a compromise. Because I want to wait til my son is done with school and is out on his own, that's a bad thing to her. She says she'll go and get a job and set up house and I can meet up with her in a year and a half. Wha?!?! Am I being unreasonable here? Before this, she kept saying that we should split, even offered to "set me up" in an apartment. So now I feel like she's saying that this is the plan then once she's out of the picture, she's going to say, "Sorry, we should just end it."
She says that it's because of this crap my Son just pulled, but if you wanted me to originally move with you, he would have to go, too, right? I'm trying to look at this from all angles and be rational, but like most things with me, it's going to take some time. I'm stuck at some crazy crossroads about what to do. I don't know where to go from here. Hell, I don't even know where "HERE" is anymore. It's a downward spiral of insanity.
It's also strange that now that things have "quieted down" with my Son, she's having a bigger problem with all of it. The irony is that he wanted to know how late she was going to be out tonight because he wanted the company...HER COMPANY! And she doesn't want to be anywhere around him. He's a leper to her. He made a mistake, a BIG mistake, a doozy! I'll give you that. But, I think he is getting the picture that he's not going to get what he wants every time he throws a tantrum. Maybe. I know it'll take some time to retrain him, but he's not doing too bad. It's not every single day...not even close.
How come when I think things are getting better...they're actually getting worse. Where the hell am I and what am I doing here? Please!!!
You do nothing but sit there, stunned in silence. I have spent the better part of the last year and a half, trying to prove myself, working hard at bettering this relationship; I thought we both were. I know she wants to move out of Erie, but I wanted a compromise of waiting just two years. I guess that's not a compromise. Because I want to wait til my son is done with school and is out on his own, that's a bad thing to her. She says she'll go and get a job and set up house and I can meet up with her in a year and a half. Wha?!?! Am I being unreasonable here? Before this, she kept saying that we should split, even offered to "set me up" in an apartment. So now I feel like she's saying that this is the plan then once she's out of the picture, she's going to say, "Sorry, we should just end it."
She says that it's because of this crap my Son just pulled, but if you wanted me to originally move with you, he would have to go, too, right? I'm trying to look at this from all angles and be rational, but like most things with me, it's going to take some time. I'm stuck at some crazy crossroads about what to do. I don't know where to go from here. Hell, I don't even know where "HERE" is anymore. It's a downward spiral of insanity.
It's also strange that now that things have "quieted down" with my Son, she's having a bigger problem with all of it. The irony is that he wanted to know how late she was going to be out tonight because he wanted the company...HER COMPANY! And she doesn't want to be anywhere around him. He's a leper to her. He made a mistake, a BIG mistake, a doozy! I'll give you that. But, I think he is getting the picture that he's not going to get what he wants every time he throws a tantrum. Maybe. I know it'll take some time to retrain him, but he's not doing too bad. It's not every single day...not even close.
How come when I think things are getting better...they're actually getting worse. Where the hell am I and what am I doing here? Please!!!
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